¶So are we now where Christ has led ¶
A-a-a-alleluia ¶
¶ Following our exalted head ¶
¶ A-a-a-alleluia ¶
¶ Made like him Like him we rise ¶
¶ A-a-a-alleluia ¶
Ours across the great blue sky ¶
¶ A-a-a-alleluia ¶
¶ A-a-a ¶
¶ Amen ¶¶
Nathanial.
- This arrived for you this morning. - Thank you, Headmaster.
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah--
What sweet news!
My dear daddy has arranged for my immediate departure...
from Stephenwood, tomorrow, after graduation.
And he's booked me first-class passage on the Queen Catherine.
Of course. Heaven forbid...
that you should experience even the slightest discomfort.
Yes. Good point.
- As I'm sure you're well aware, Reichmaster Timmons,
I'm to take over the family-run hotel chain in beautiful sun-drenched Hawaii.
I'm sure that's almost as exciting as being a frustrated, shabbily-dressed headmaster.
- Yes? - Young Nathanial.
The faculty and myself have made endless attempts to teach you to curb...
your condescensions towards others.
As a fancy lad, respecting those around you is both your duty and your obligation.
I'm sorry,, sir. I was just pondering what drifter's corpse you stole those shoes from.
My God!
You are a hateful creature, aren't you?
Come on, it was just a joke.
The origin of the bowler... can be traced back...
to the turn of the century.
The simplest and most popular way to tip... a hat...
is the Chatman Street method.
It is performed thusly.
Nathanial! You may sit down, Lawrence.
It is unfair to ask you to continue in the presence of this cackling baboon!
Somebody's daddy's missing a leg!
Since you seem so anxious to interrupt the proceedings with your infantile babble,
kindly step forward and give us your presentation.
It would my pleasure, my dear underpaid professor.
Excuse me.
This, my silly, dim-witted looking classmates,
is a 14th century Norwegian evening derby.
Very few of these exist today, and those that do reside in museums or in the possession...
of extraordinarily rich young men who happen to have rather large penises.
Well... good-bye, Nathanial.
You are now officially a fancy lad.
And it is my sincere hope that you will bring dignity and humility to that high honor.
Good luck. And do tell your father I send my regards.
Sure. In fact, I think I have the picture of his backside in my wallet...
if you care to kiss it right here.
Nathanial, whatever shall become of you?
Don't worry, about me, Timmons. My life shall never be anything less than perfect.
Hey! Here you go, Chubby.
Go buy yourself a spritzer.
Okay, come on. Let's get this thing moving! And thank you for opening the door for me.
That was so nice, you moron!
Good riddance, you horrible, dreadful, nasty little bastard.
You're driving too fast. Slow it down!
Not that slow, imbecile. Speed up!
Why on earth have you stopped this wretched vehicle? What do you think--
- Get the hell outta here, you fresh-mouthed little freak. - Hey! Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
I merely suggested that you have the driving ability of a brain-dead laboratory, ape.
- Welcome to the real world, kid. - Well, fiine.
I'll just get right back in. I don't know what you-- Hey! Come back here, you!
Hey! Hey! You can't take my luggage!
I'll have you incarcerated.
Dear Lord,
I'm about to embark on a brisk walk,
the first bit of exercise in my young privileged life.
I pray, do not allow me to break a sweat.
Okay. Here I go.
Yup. One, two, I'm walking.
The Golden Mist Seaport.
Thank you. Thank--
Whoa-ho-ho. My luxurious suite on the Queen Catherine awaits me.
I'll be with you uno momento, my friend.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Finally. Okay.
Watch it. Watch--
Would you-- Lady! Eeew, yuck.
Eeew! Oooh! Eeew. Eeew!
Pardon me--
Get off me.
Geez. Where are you--
Stop it! Stop.
I've had it with you bunch of stinkos in here.
You, you, old man.
Look, I am in desperate need of assistance.
Well, well, well, what's on your mind, little girl?
I realize that you are most likely the product of lower class inbreeding.
- But perhaps you could help me. - Gosh, I certainly hope so.
I have been wandering this dreary, village...
in hopes of finding the Queen Catherine.
- You wouldn't have any idea where she might be docked? - You know what you are?
You're one of those little fancy lads, aren't ya?
Boy, you're cute. Gosh, what a sweet little outfit.
Is it your little spring outfit?
You couldn't be cuter. You're so adorable. My.
You know, you remind me of my niece Sally. Lovely girl.
She's a dietitian. Hey.
- Would you like to buy a monkey? - I don't wanna buy a monkey.
- Are you sure? - No, I'm on my way. Your family must be very, proud of you.
We'll see ya, honey. Hey, wait a minute. Jennifer, come here.
What?
I can show you to that ship of yours.
- You will? - Right down this road.
-Right there. -Marvelous. I should hurry...
because they're gonna start the banquet soon and I must tell you, I am famished.
Well, why wouldn't ya be? Big girls have big appetites, don't they?
Listen, do yourself a favor. Don't let 'em give you any of that flank steak bullshit.
You know what I'm sayin'? Try, the London Broil. Yeah.
- That's a good tip. I shall do it. - Sure, pamper yourself.
- I will. - My. Okay.
Well, I must tell you, for a yellow-eyed, gamey-smelling lowlife,
-you really have quite a decent heart about you. - Well, thanks.
I'm not gonna touch you, shake your hand or get near you because you're all of that.
- But I am gonna be on my way. - Good for you.
-Off I go. - Hey, listen, have a good trip, Suzy. Bye-bye.
- Bye. - Think about me, all right?
Man, man,
do I hate them fancy lads.
Uh, hey, um... I'm looking for the steward of the Q.C.
Uh-- I'm watching the boat till everyone gets back from lunch.
Then departure was delayed on my behalf. Very, good.
Uh, here's my boarding pass.
Please take me to the ship's finest quarters 'cause I wish to draw a hot bath. What a day.
I ain't supposed to let nobody on the boat 'cause--
Leo, no, no, no.
I know, I look too disheveled to board, but I assure you, the captain will understand.
- Wow. You know the captain? - I should say so. He owes his entire career to my daddy.
- Can we? - Okay, since you know him and all.
Okay, fine. Boy! Boy!
Hey-- What the--
Well, is this the tug that's supposed to take us out to the Queen Catherine?
- It's a boat. - The-- Uh--
Ho-ho-ho. I see. This is the Queen Catherine.
It's one of those theme ships, isn't it? Yes, I've read about these things.
Where we passengers pretend we're common type and slum it up a bit.
Deliciously chic.
Step, step, step.
- Step, step. - Yes, I know they're steps. I've seen steps before.
Marvelous!!
The best bunk we got is the captain's. But I don't think he'd mind, since you know him.
My, they sure do have an eye for detail, don't they?
Awards all around.
You sure got things figured out, don't ya?
I was never real good at figurin' stuff out. Captain says I'm dumb as a carp.
Here's how a harem girl dances.
Okay, well, thank you for that, whatever that was.
And now, enough of your silly gibberish. Go fetch me a cup of bouillon before I retire.
- Yes? Good boy. Off you go. - Thank you. Okay. Okay.
Bowl-yun.
Bowl-yawn.
Maybe it's just a fancy word for chum.
Eeew. Eeew.
Pipe down, you imbecile. My head is throbbing as it is.
Sorry,. For a second, I thought you were my granny. She's dead.
- Right. - Well, here's your bouillon.
Thank you very, much. Now, will you please make sure that I'm not disturbed till 'morrow.
- Okay. Bye, lady. - Fine.
My.
A bit spicy.
Quite robust.
Your friend's here. He's all tucked in for the night.
Whatever you say, Einstein.
We figured you were hungry,, so we bought you a stick of gum.
Don't chew it all in one place, shit-for-brains.
Gum.
All right, listen up! We're gonna sail outta here tonight...
and keep running straight on through till mornin'.
We'll drop our nets at daybreak...
and catch them scaley bastards while they're still groggy!
¶¶
So, Skunk, what do you think? We got enough ocean behind us?
Yeah, yeah. No trouble for us tonight.
- I think I'll turn in. Keep it steady, whatever works for you. - Okeydokey.
Uh!
- Hi. How ya doin'? - Very well. Thank you.
Don't this beat all, boys?
We got us a half-crazed boat-hopper.
Now, see here. I don't know what kind of nonsense you're...
trying to pull here, but it's painfully obvious--
I see.
This is all part of the theme, right? Sure.
And you're just stage actors pretending to be filthy drunkards.
Bravo. Bravo, everyone. Long live the theater.
- Am I missing something here? - Holy shit in a handbasket. This moron got on the wrong boat.
Now, wait a second. Are you-- What--
Are you meaning to imply this is not the Queen Catherine?
Uh-uh.
You're not its well-trained crew here to cater to my every whim?
Nope.
- Kid, we're just here to catch fish and stink. - Mostly the latter.
Whoo! Oooh! Okay.
Okay, um-- All right, look.
Obviously there's been a little mix-up here and I seem to have boarded the wrong vessel.
Okay. I apologize, but there's a happy ending to all this.
You just point this thing towards Hawaii and drop me off there. Great.
End of controversy.
Now, let's go enjoy some tea and honey-dipped willy pumps.
Gimme the go-ahead, Cap, and I'll kill him.
- I knew I shouldn't have had that last bottle of rotgut. - Gentlemen, no, no, no.
Don't walk away from me. Come back. No, no, no. Don't make me run.
Come on. You too. Come, come, come.
It's painfully obvious to me that you have no idea who you're dealing with here.
You see, I... am a fancy lad.
Fancy lad!
If you hinder my arrival, I'll just have my daddy put you all on trial and have you hanged.
Were you dropped on your head as a toddler?
Listen up, you doozy-lookin' deuce in shoes!
We're out here for the next three months to catch us some fish!
So, unless you wanna end up as bait, stay outta my face!
Aaah.
Don't you walk away from me, you big talking walrus!
This issue is not negotiable.
I hate this.
My christening wig!
I've had it since infancy.
Well, you ain't got it no more, peckerhead.
There, by the grace of God, floats away my manhood.
Simply put, a five-pound box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts is yours...
if you'll point this swill heap towards Hawaii, comprende?
Sorry,, I'll have to pass.
These stockings I'm wearing are made of pure imported silk from the mountains of Bennenia.
- They're yours if you get me to Hawaii. - Yeah?
These socks I'm wearin' are pure wool and they've been on my feet for three straight weeks.
And if you don't blow, you're gonna swallow them like an aspirin.
If my poor daddy doesn't hear from me soon, there's no telling what he might do.
I'm afraid he'll become despondent and turn a pistol upon himself.
Hey, you wanna learn a little fisherman's Greek?
""Gadinga pachinga castinga.'' That means ""I kissed a girl.''
""Patuka cachuka stabuka.''
That means, ""I felt up a girl's ass.''
All right. Fine.
""Katinka kawinka kalinka.'' You know what that means.
- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.
Is there not one person on this boat who's not monstrously insane?
Oooh, it's maddening. I'm at my wit's end. I can't take it--
Hello?
I can't say as I blame you, standing by yourself.
There's no such thing as pleasant companionship on this tawdry vessel.
Sorry,, but I ain't supposed to talk to nobody while I'm on watch.
Captain Greybar says I got the attention span of a circus monkey.
I don't think your Capt. Greybar is qualified to cast aspersions on the character of others.
Sorry,, I don't speak Spanish.
Pardon me, I seem to have forgotten your name.
Kenny.
Kenneth, uh...
your captain has been under a great deal of stress recently and he's in need of a holiday.
You mean like Halloween?
Yes. Like Halloween.
Wouldn't you like to help your weary, captain rest his rum-soaked bones?
Uh...yeah, I guess... if you think he'd like that.
- What do I gotta do? - It's magnificently simple.
Tonight, after they've all fallen asleep,
change the course of the boat and head it for Hawaii.
- You think you're capable of that? - Sure.
I ain't too swift about other stuff, but I know maps real good.
So, he'll be happy about this?
No, absolutely. In fact, I overheard him telling somebody,
""My wouldn't it be jolly-jack splendid to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii?''
Yup, that sounds like him. You do good impressions.
Right. Okay, then fine. After they've all fallen into their alcohol-induced slumbers,
we'll put our little plan into action.
Remember, this is our little secret, yeah?
Okay.
All right. You're-- You're a big happy one, aren't you?
Swine.
Filthy swine. Echh!
Okay. The pigs are all asleep.
Okay. Looks like all we gotta do is shift her...
250,000 degrees... northeast...
and we'll be headed straight for Hawaii.
- Okay, fine. Do it quickly now. - Okay. Let's see here.
Okay, we're goin' to Hawaii.
Okay, great. Well, good job, old boy.
And you know what? When we reach the islands, I may buy you a big red, shiny apple.
Geez, thanks.
A human tree stump.
After a brief derailment, my life is back on its proper course.
Fret not, Daddy. I shall be with you in a saint's whisper.
Stupid.
What in the Savior's name--
What do you think you're doing? This is no time for stunt sailing. Stop this immediately.
- I'm trying. - You're not trying hard enough. Aaah!
Get off me!
What the-- You doofus!
Everybody, get your asses outside! Move, move, move!
- Maybe I should drop anchor. - Do you think that'll help?
- I don't know. I'm not very, bright, remember? -Just do it!
Try, anything, will ya! What am I supposed to--
Don't worry,. It seems a lot worse than it is.
- What? - Ooo-aaah!
Whoo! Whoo!
Paddle your rump back here and steer this boat!
Tell Capt. Greybar I hope he enjoys Hawaii.
And remind him that we're almost out of margarine.
Come back! Oooh, you can't do this to me! Come-- Come back!
- Secure that boom! - Aye-aye, Captain.
Ooo-hooo! Stop this! Aaah!
- Oooh! - Grab the wheel!
Okay, Skip!
Whoo-whoo-hoo!
Shit!
I don't like this!
Looks like Kenny got us off course.
That don't sound like Kenny. He's dumb but he don't take a leak before tellin' me.
Well, it's his scribbles. If this thing's right, look where it's landin' us.
Sweet Jake, Hell's Bucket!
Kenny! Get your fat, worthless ass over here!
- I ain't seen that little sow anywhere. - Hey. What the hell is this!
Aaaw!
Get over here, perfume boy!
Look at this.
Well, I merely suggested to Kenneth that...
perhaps it would be fun if we set the ship's course for Hawaii.
- Jesus Christ! - Why, why, why,
had I known he'd be blown overboard by a gust of wind, I never would have suggested it.
Get outta my sight before you join him!
- What, I-- - Aaah!
If I'd have just listened to Mommy, I'd have gone into the goddamned butcher business,
and I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.
""No, Daddy, I wants to be a sailor.''
Goddammit. Fuck it. I'll never get out of here.
And the net's torn to pieces.
Goddammit, what am I supposed to do now? Catch 'em with my hands?
We're in deep shit, Greybar. What the hell are we gonna do?
What do you think? Give me a clue, will ya?
The engine's flooded, the mizzenmast is down...
- and we got a crack in the mid-section that's drawing water. - Wonderful!
Aaah! We got any options here?
The only thing to do as far as I can tell is find a safe harbor and fix the boat.
As you know, there's only one island in Hell's Bucket and I am not crazy about landing there.
Yeah, well, I ain't crazy about sittin' on a boat till she sinks and we wind up flounder shit.
Yeah, those flounders are bloodthirsty bastards.
Looks like we ain't got a choice.
If we don't make it to that island, we're all gonna end up on the bottom.
We stay in Hell's Bucket long enough, that's the least of our worries.
There's bad mojo all around here.
Instead of standing around philosophizin' like a bunch of old washer women,
let's get to the goddamned island, fix the boat and blow outta this hole!
And I say we dump that jinx kid. He's a born Jonah.
As soon as we get to the island, he's history,.
We'll send him out to pick berries or somethin' and then haul ass.
Yeah, pick berries.
- Please don't harm me. I'm meek as a kitten. Truly I am. - Stop. Cease.
Listen here, boy. You got us groin-deep in trouble...
and I am this close to turning your powdered ass into chum.
I must take offense to that. I haven't powdered my bottom since I was 17--
Cork it! From here on out, since we're one hand short,
you're gonna do every, dirty, shitty, snot-soaked job that needs doin' around here!
- Got it? - Is there any good news?
The good news... is that I may let you live.
And if you behave yourself,
we'll drop you off in Hawaii,
-Japan, wherever the hell you're goin'. - Thank you, Captain.
- That's what I wanted to hear. - Okay! First things first.
Get outta these sissy clothes and go put on some of Kenny's duds. God rest his sweet soul.
And I want you to think of his fat, pimpled ass every time you slip into his boots!
I just pray that those boots have adequate arch support because I have problem feet--
Git!
Yuck.
Okay. Here we go.
Be calm. Do it. Do it to it.
Oooh! That's it. The head came off and what's inside stinks and that's all I'm doing.
- I'm done. - Hi.
Come on, you're doing very well.
- Aaah, I hate you. - Sorry,.
Aaah!
He did it.
There. Now here's something your fancy ass can't screw up.
And don't quit until every, square inch of this deck is clean...
as a church piss house.
Oddly enough, it kind of tastes like marzipan. Go figure.
Aaaw. Aaaw.
I'm sorry,. Could you explain this chore to me one more time?
It's a little something we call ""outward watch.''
Here's how it works: We'll let out some rope so you can drift along behind us.
All you gotta do is keep your eyes open for other boats, cars, flying saucers, shit like that.
And exactly, how much rope are you gonna let out, about ten feet or so?
Two miles worth.
That sounds a trifle peculiar but I suppose you're the experts.
Hey, one more thing? Is it true it's unsafe to drink seawater?
That's a new one to me. It's water, ain't it?
We gave you a carton of chocolate milk. What else you want?
All right, Geronimo. Let's get your ass out there.
And in about a week, when your shift is over, give this rope a tug and we'll haul you in.
Okay. Well, I'm off.
Not crazy about the idea.
- Send us a postcard, Daisy. - Bon voyages.
Great idea, Skipper. Finally, some peace and quiet.
Boom-boom. Water, boom-boom.
Hot sun, water.
Boring. What's another word for it?
Dullsville. It's Dullsville.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I hate it. I hate it.
It's hot.
I'm burning up. There's gotta be some lotion in here.
What's this? Cooking oil. Maybe that's nature's moisturizer.
That should do it.
About a number 15 it feels like. Ooo-kay.
What are you doing here? He didn't know-- Boo! Boo! Bow!
Boo.
It's lunchtime. Yeah, it's lunchtime.
Let's get something to eat. Come on.
Yeah, let's have our good friend. We'll have our--
It's a pretty color.
But it don't taste pretty. Uh-uh. Oooh.
I need something to drink fast. Come on! Come on. Come on.
Aaa-aaah. Aaah.
Thirsty.
Good afternoon, madam. Would you like to buy a donkey?
Donkeys are on sale today through Thursday and be sure to visit our linen department...
for spectacular savings on stereophonic pumpkins and glow-in-the-dark bowling balls.
- Hey, man, pull yourself together. - Kenny!
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to stop by and say,
""Hang in there. You're doin' a hell of a job.''
- Very, kind of you, Kenny. - Well, keep up the good work.
Bonsoir.
He's going down into the water.
Okay. Well, you know, most people would think they were insane...
if they saw something like that, but luckily I have an open mind about this sort of thing--
Now, I know what you're thinkin'.
What could be stranger than a big, fat-ass, floating cupcake?
Hey, how 'bout one that spits tobacco?
See ya around, buddy.
That's a cute kid.
Okay, it's official. Nathanial Mayweather has lost his mind.
I've got cabin fever or raft fever. I've got some kind of fever.
Look, look, I can fly. I'm a parakeet!
Somebody give me a sunflower seed.
Has it been a week already?
Actually it's been nine days. Time flies.
We'll probably have to shovel him off that raft.
Yeah. Maybe if we're lucky, he'll die in a few hours.
This kid ain't real.
I'm back, fellas.
Whooo! Hooo-oooh. Hi.
Thank you.
Greeting, fellow fishermen. Oooh-hoow.
I never thought I'd be so happy to see you again--
and this stinking garbage scow.
Big Teddy, thank you. A welcome home sandwich.
You sure got a lot of energy for someone who's half-dead from exposure.
That's a very, good point. I would have been dead had it not been for the sharkman.
Sharkman?
judging from his appearance, that's the most appropriate name I could come up with for him.
I hate this kid.
This, uh, thing you're talkin' about.
- Did it have the body of a shark and the arms and face of a man? - That's the chap.
- Holy jumpin' jack fish. Chocki! - Chocki!
- Who the hell is Chocki? - Half-man, half-shark.
Legend has it, a Viking ship went down in Hell's Bucket 500 years ago.
One of the Vikings was spared a grisly death by a shark who fell in love with him.
Well, you know how it goes. One thing led to another and--
The Viking knocked up the shark?
And they had one offspring:: Chocki.
just when you think you've heard everything about Hell's Bucket,
along comes another nauseating legend.
And the bad thing is Chocki's kind of flighty by nature.
He can be friendly one minute, and then hate you the next.
Now that he's taken a shine to the kid here, he's probably following us,
- and that could be trouble. - Well, why's he so flighty?
Who the hell knows. We're talkin' about a half-man, half-shark.
There's gotta be some kind of a chromosomal damage with a matchup like that.
Hey! Take a look at this.
Lord, spare me another one of these insanities.
Sweet Henry,. She's got more whiskers than a laid-off circus clown.
Gee, they ought to rename this place ""Wackyville.''
Ooh, 'cause it's wacky.
Aaah. Oooh, I'll feel better once we get outta these waters.
All this anxiety from being in a strange and mysterious land...
- is giving me gas. - Aw, Christ.
Geez.
Purple lightning. That's always a good sign.
Here they are. Your fish stick kitties.
My own invention. Thank you very, much.
I thought mealtime could use a little sprucing up around here.
Paps, here's your kitty.
I'm awful tasty, Paps--
Get out of my face, you half-assed Edgar Bergen.
Here. Have some coffee.
Paps, you're such a little card.
Now, where's that naughty Captain? He knows it's suppertime.
¶
¶ When I go ashore and get my pay ¶
¶ I'll go and meet my Essie May ¶
¶ She'll hike her skirt and toss her shoe ¶
¶ She'll clean my pipes, my buddies' too ¶
¶ Don't need a church to find my way ¶
¶'Cause I found heaven with Essie May ¶¶
¶
That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
It was like honey from the lips of an angel.
Bless you.
Cappy, tell me about all of this.
Tell me about the sea. What does it mean to you?
Basically, money. I come from six generations of seamen.
All with the same goal in life: Catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk and get laid.
- I don't thinkAristotle could've said it better. - Uh-
Yeah. You might say I dropped outta my mama's womb...
with galoshes on my feet and a fishing rod in my hand.
Ouch. That poor woman.
I don't know, Cappy.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's really people like you...
who wander the world like shaggy, unkempt beasts,
who really know what's important in life.
- Okay, boy. I'm officially sick of you now. Take off. - Are you quite sure?
Sometimes if we've had a little too much to drink we tend to say the opposite--
- Blow! - Okay. That'll do it for me. I'll just move it on out.
¶¶
My Lord, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.
Every, instinct in my lower half tells me the Holy Father has preordained our meeting.
Hello, miss!
Miss, excuse me? Geez.
just my luck. I fall in love for the first time in my life and it's with a corpse.
What the--
What the hell are you doing?
Thank heavens. There's still some life left in her after all. Thank you, Lord. I owe you one.
Uh... here. Willkommen.
Aaah, geez.
You idiot! Do you know what you just did?
- You just ruined my chance at setting a world's record. - - Say what?
I was swimming around the world, Maryland to Maryland.
And I was halfway there until you blew the whole thing!
No, you were just lying there like a rat in a swimming pool--
I was sleeping! And by you yanking me onto this floating Dumpster,
I violated one of the rules set forth by the World's Record committee.
""At no time shall a swimmer's body come in contact with anything solid.''
Yeah, okay. But technically, I'm not solid. My texture's much more like moist bread.
Shit. I knew it was bad luck to swim through Hell's Bucket.
Look, you have a hard piece of seaweed stuck to you. Let me just pull it.
- Relax. My wig! - Take your hands off me.
Faith has truly brought us together.
-Just... stay the hell away from me. - Oooh.
Attentionne, messieurs.
Please join me on the upper deck. I have a little surprise for you.
Come on, fellas. Looky what I fished out of the ocean.
That's one little cute fishy this cabin boy done caught hisself.
Aw, not bad. I'd do it.
Where in the hell did you come from, missy?
The last thing we need is another straggler.
First of all, I was minding my own business until your son yanked me up here.
And secondly, don't you call me missy again unless you wanna lose the rest of your teeth.
Sassy little thing, ain't she? Want me to give her a spanking?
I'd like her to give me a spanking.
- How'd you like me to put my foot up your ass?
Come on, now. Gentlemen, please.
I know that salty sea talk is a big part of being a fisherman, but Trina is our guest.
And until we take her to Maryland, could we please curb the language?
So we're gonna drop her off in Maryland? What the hell is this, a crosstown bus?
je-sus! I never saw a man p-whipped so fast in my life!
P-whipped. Now, I'm confused. Isn't that French for pudding?
Hopeless. Absolutely, utterly goddamned hopeless. I don't know why we keep trying.
Damn.
Now, he'll have some company on that island.
Yeah.
Paps, I think you can go ahead and run downstairs and play now if you like.
So, things are settling down... which is good.
A quiet time. Sssh.
¶¶
Do-si-do.
Now, heel and toe.
Aaah.
Yowza!
What a bunch of lunkheads.
Trina!.
Trina, I'm so glad you decided to join us. I was just putting on...
- a show for the fellas. - So this is what you guys do for fun?
- Yeah. - Humiliate an imbecile?
Sure he's clumsy and he's stupid and he's a screwup,
but you don't have to treat him like an animal.
Funny you should mention screwups,
because an hour ago, I made the mistake of using your swimming diary to light the stove.
I've been keeping that diary, for 15 years, you ape!
- Dance, boy, dance! - ¶¶
All right. Hold him tonight. just one bear cub to you.
What the hell's that?
I'm afraid to say it.
Chocki. He must of sensed we were kind of debasing the kid a little bit. Now, he's pissed.
If he opens up that hole any wider, we're all gonna be bunkin' on the bottom tonight.
We gotta throw that kid overboard.
Wait a second. Maybe there's a way out of this.
Let her rip.
There goes your little buddy Nathanial, Chocki!
Go play with him. Play nice.
He fell for it! Skunk, Skunk, you're a genius!
For the ten millionth time, don't kiss me!
Why must we always hide our emotions, Mr. Macho Man?
- Gimme three. - Three? Very, interesting.
- Paps? - Six.
Six?
It's relaxing up here.
Staring off into the night sky.
Those sparkly, twinkly things. I forget their technical name.
- Stars. - Whatever.
Thinking about the future. What it might bring.
Actually, I was thinking I'd kill for a cheesesteak and a bottle of scotch.
Trina. I don't know why or how this is happening to me,
but I am developing deep, deep feelings for you...
- despite the fact that you have the breeding of a carnival barker. - Lovely.
I must also tell you that these feelings are not just of the zipper variety.
That's a relief.
Listen, Nathanial,
I've been working in steel mills since I was nine years old,
ever since I ran away from the honor farm.
I'm a drifter and a loner at heart.
Between forging girders and swimming,
I don't have a lot of time for relationships.
Understand?
I'm sorry,. I was just thinking how much fun it is to roast pumpkin seeds.
Did I mention I have an incredible crush on you?
That's wonderful. I'm flattered when a psychotic becomes smitten with me.
No problem. But, not another peep, zip, boop. You need your rest.
We'll continue this tomorrow. Besides, you're wearing me out with your incessant babbling.
It's in my ear all night. Yadda-babba-babba-babba.
Well, it was nice almost communicating with you.
Kiddo, you are ""A'' number one in my book, you know that? You are top dollar.
You know, I honestly think we're onto something here. Hey, nice shoes. Those--
- Bet one. - See ya.
- I'm in. - Paps?
- Six. - Six.
This makes a lot of sense.
We go to bed a few hours ago, it's 80 degrees. Now we're freezin' our tails off.
Hell's Bucket. No rhyme or reason to it.
That observation's gettin' a little old.
Christ! Take a look.
Azure Peak!
Brr! Uh, could somebody please turn up the heat?
I told the man a thousand times not to open the window in the nanny's room.
Arf, arf, arf!.
Good morning, Paps.
Ooh, my, isn't this weather Christmassy?
Hey, let's make snow angels. Come on, come!
What're we going to do, Captain? We can't just sit here and freeze to death.
No shit! Okay, moron,
you go stand in the bow and let us know when we're coming' close to ice.
Skunk, Ted, you guys stand watch port and starboard.
Me and Paps will steer through as best we can. Hey, woman!
Shake your butt outta bed, Thumbelina, we got a lot of work to do!
Jesus. Where the hell are we?
You just stay up there and keep them mascara-caked eyes of yours peeled for icebergs.
- Can ya handle that? - Kiss my ass!
Believe I'll pass on that one, thank you very, much.
- Okay, you hit one. - Damn it, tell us before we hit the bloody thing.
Now I get it! Sorry,!
This little system's workin' out great.
I don't know exactly what this means, but a giant iceberg just winked at me.
Not a promising development.
Whoa, mama.
I don't know how to break it to you guys, but you're about to make a new friend.
What's she lippin' off about now?
A walkin' Popsicle!
Sir, it is very, bad manners to pay a visit without a formal invitation.
I'm sorry,, I didn't catch that. I have a trick ear.
Quick, grab something to whack him with!
- What good'll that do? - How should I know? In a situation like this,
you make up shit as you go along!
Now sic him! Come on, sic him!
Come on, Skunk! Poke his eye out or somethin'.
I, I gotta make a phone call!
What the hell ya doin'?
I think it's obvious. I'm trying to give him foot pain.
What? Get outta here!
Crazy kid?
- Keep 'im occupied, Ted. - I got me an idea.
Talk about an embarrassing obituary,! Aah!
Poked to death by a giant human iceberg! Uuh!
All right, you icy bastard! How about a hot cup o' joe?
Ha!
Sorry,, we're all outta decaf!.
Melt, you frozen, goofy-lookin' son-of-bitch! Melt!
Get 'im! Get 'im!
Yeah!
Finito!
I've got it!
Iced cappuccino. Thank you, garcon.
Yeah, get 'im! Get 'im! Get 'im, Paps!
Gives me the double-dark willies just eye-ballin' it.
It looks like somethin' you'd dream about after a quart of Jack Daniels...
and a couple of bad sausages.
Whoo!
Uh, we made it! Uh, thank you! Thank you!
- All right, already! you're givin' me the creeps!
Okay, let's not waste any time. Here's what we need:
driftwood, palm leaves, tree sap, tree glue and a shit-load of gravel.
- Why, are we going to bake a cake? - The goal is to blow out of here...
before sundown, so no screwing around.
I'd like to get me a fish in the boat sometime before I'm 90.
Hello.
Gentlemen, may I talk to you about a subject which brings me great embarrassment?
Let me guess. Your little swimmer friend is giving you the old freeze job?
I-I just don't get it. She seems totally uninterested in me,
despite my smothering obsessiveness.
Did you ever try, pattin' her on the ass? That usually drives 'em wild.
Or dance around the room in your underwear till she gets hot.
That's how I got my last four wives.
- No, it's just no use. - When it comes to women, I'm just--
I'm all thumbs. I'm just so stupid!
Boom! Boom!
Wait a sec. Come to think of it,
there is someone who could help you with this problem of yours.
Lordy, I know what you're thinkin; Mr. Skunk.
What? W-W-W-What? What, what, what?
Well, they say there's a woman on this very, island...
who's helped many a green, young cabin boy come of age...
and blossom into manhood.
In other words, she'll clean your pipes six ways to Sunday.
- You know what I mean? - No, but go on.
Well, the downside is, she isn't real easy to get to. She lives in a cave up on a cliff.
I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to win over Trina.
How do I get to this woman? Come on, give me precise directions, will ya?
Basically, you just saunter your ass into the jungle. You'll run into her eventually.
All right, fine. That's what I'm gonna do then.
Thank you, fellow crewmates, I'm off. And when I return, I shall be a cabin man.
¶
SweetZeus, he's off to meet Calli.
And they never, ever saw him again.
The end!
Whoo!
Wowser!
You're doing it. You're actually climbing a cliff.
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Nathanial. Be brave.
I will be, Nathanial. All right.
Let's go, Nathanial. Okay.
Hello.
Hello?
Howdy do?
Uh--
What th--
Ooh-whee ¶
- ¶Ooh, ooh, ooh-whee ¶ - Yeah. -
Oo-ooh, ooh-whee-ee ¶
- Excuse me, miss, uh-- -Have mercy ¶
- Who are you? - I'm, uh, young Nathanial,
uh, cabin boy of The Filthy Whore,
and I, um--
See, Skunk said that you were gonna--
Do not be embarrassed, cabin boy.
I know why you are here.
You do? Great. Well, that'll save us a lot of time.
Geez, you must spend a fortune on mittens.
However, I cannot help you with your problem...
unless you answer the three riddles of the island.
Sure. That sounds like fun. Hit me.
How does the moon greet her daughters?
Yee... hoo.
Well, if she's a refined lady, and I'm sure she is,
she may probably greet her lassies with a gift of some sort.
Uh, maybe a box of peppermints or some hair care products,
and then, you know, it's off to the mall and lunch.
""Have fun girls, bye-bye.'' That sort of thing.
Why don't you ask me something hard?
What are the seven contradictions of Zeripa,
watcher of the equator?
Geez! I knew this too.
Uh--
Forget it. Uh, you really-- This one you got me completely stumped on.
I'm sorry,. Does it have something to do with the metric system?
Forget it. This is a waste of time.
Come on over here, honey. You've managed to charm me with your moronic innocence.
Great. Well, you know what I always say:
- ¶ Baby ¶ - It pays to be yourself. Uh--
Come on, we've gotta finish before my husband, Mulligan, comes home.
- Okay. -Your love is super-sweet love ¶
- One down, five to go. This could take all night. -When you put it all--¶
¶
- Okay, you're gonna do that. - Ooh.
Ee! Geez, that's different, isn't it? Uh-
These pipes...
are clean!
And how.
Hello, Trina.
What happened to you?
Well, let's just say I've finally shed my feminine side
like a snake sheds its fur.
You look so strong... confident.
- Yeah. - Not nearly as idiotic.
I'm now going to show you everything I've been taught.
I only pray that I'm not thrown off by your lack of four additional arms.
Hi, honey. How was your day at the shop?
Sweet of you to call it a shop, Calli.
We both know it's just a hole in the side of a mountain.
- Was business brisk? - Brisk?
Not really. I sold one electric toothbrush to a flyin' leprechaun.
Well, don't be discouraged, dear.
I'm sure things will pick up once word of mouth gets out.
Who am I kidding?
It was a stupid idea to open up a housewares store on this island.
I might as well go back to devourin' wild boar and sleep on the beach.
Stop talking like that.
What the hell is this?
Uh, it's Linda's. She must've left it here.
What are you talkin' about? Your sister hasn't visited in months.
Frozen seafood.
There was a fisherman here, wasn't there?
Of course not. Where would you get that silly idea?
What do you call this?
Uh--
Damn it, woman! You promised me when we were married, you'd quit helping lonely sailors.
You don't understand. It's boring laying around this dump all day.
Least you have a job to go off to.
No! I told you a long time ago, no wife of mine is ever gonna work.
Where are you going?
I'm going to kick me some sailor-boy ass.
Bring back bread.
It's beautiful countryside, isn't it?
Kinda reminds me of Long Island City.
Hey, where the hell are they going?
Wonderful! The boys must have fixed the boat and they're taking it out for a test drive.
- Congrats, gents! - Don't you understand?
Those idiots are leaving us here. We're completely abandoned.
Trina, would you have a little faith in mankind? They would never do that to me.
I've become one of them. We've bonded.
Nathanial, how can you be so naive?
Well, how can you just stand there like that and just--
Holy crap!
A little birdie inside my brain is telling me that that's probably Mulligan.
He's found out about me and Calli, and now he must think that I'm out there on the boat.
Can you see the question mark above my head?
Yeah, well, it's a complicated story,. I'll fill you in on it later.
But right now, we have to go help our friends.
Why? They left us here to rot. I hope he kills 'em all.
- Kill! Kill! Destroy! - Stop it. Trina, stop!
As your recently trained lover, I'm ordering you to assist me.
Wow.
Nathanial, no man's ever talked to me like that without eating my knuckles.
For some reason, when you say it, I actually like it.
Geez! Okay, okay, keep it in your pants for five seconds, will ya, honey?
Come on, we're on an official rescue mission here. Let's go.
Holy Christ in a dump truck!
Skunk? Mr. Expert?
Mr. Mythology Whiz, what the hell is that?
I have no idea. just a big guy, I guess.
We gotta head him off before he gets his grubby hands on The Filthy Whore! Move!
Move! Move!
Which one of you scumbags diddled my wife?
Come on, mister, don't be sore at us. We didn't diddle nobody, especially your wife.
If there's one thing I hate, it's a wiseass.
Hurry,, Trina! Faster, faster!
Come on. Go, girl, go.
All right, Trina, I'll take it from here.
Ooh!
I stabbeth thee, ye wretched giant...
shoe salesman-looking creature!
Hey!
Now what should I do?
Kill you separately, or toss you in the boat with your little friends and then sit on it?
No! It was me who made sweet love to your receptive wife. The others are innocent.
Do you know what I do to guys who, quote unquote, sleep with my wife?
Discuss your disappointment with them over a cup of hot chocolate?
¶Close ¶¶
I cut their heads off with a nail clipper.
- Come here, you little rat bastard. - Uh--
Ya know, I think I'll pass on that, um--
But I'd be happy to take you up on a leg waxing.
Don't you guys have any guns or anything? Can't we do something?
Yeah, look the other way. This is gonna be gruesome.
Die!
- It's Chocki! - I guess he's still got a soft spot for the kid after all.
Yes!
Big dummy. Yeah!
Must come... down!
That-a-boy! I knew you'd do it.
Yes!
Yeah.
Ahmm-moo-baa!
Way to go, kid!
Good-bye, sweet Chocki. I shan't forget you.
Half man, half shark...
equals one complete gentleman.
- Here you go. Help him up here. Come on. - Atta boy.
Hi.
- Whoo! - Yeah! Ha-ha!
I'm so proud of you, Nathanial.
That was the most courageous and bizarre thing I've ever seen.
You saved our lives, kid. I knew ya had it in ya.
You're the best cabin boy ever, you little monkey!
Not bad for a Jonah.
Here's a switch: You play and we'll dance for you!
¶
Well, uh, I guess I got everything.
What's wrong, pally? This ain't no time to drag your ass. You got it made now.
I guess you'll be eatin' off of silver slippers from here on out?
That's right. No more fish sticks and chocolate milk for our cabin boy!
Fellas, I was just thinking. I'm sure my daddy would give you all jobs at the hotel.
Come on, squirt. We're just a bunch of old, broken-down fishermen.
All we know how to do is fish.
- And stink. - Right.
But the sea is part of me now too.
It courses through my veins and through my organs and through my bladder.
Now, don't be silly, champ. Your place is here with your papa. You know that.
You're a fancy lad and you ought to be proud of it.
My big Teddy. Thanks.
Yeah, see ya, kid. Go get yourself a couple of high-priced Hawaiian whores for me?
Okay.
Skunk.
Take care, kid.
Paps.
Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had.
Stop that. You'll have my glass eye foggin' over. Here.
Cappy, you're the hardest one to say good-bye to.
I felt closest to you throughout all of this.
You're kind of like the scarecrow in that classic children's story,.
- The Wizard of Oz. - No, I'm fairly certain it was The Great Gatsby.
Uh-- Good luck, Butch.
Fish sticks ain't gonna be the same without ya.
All right, don't, don't do that. You're going to get me going.
- Get out! Get, get! - I-I'm-- Okay.
Trina? Trina, what's your problem?
What? Are you drunk or something?
Nathanial,
it could never work out with us.
You have this whole fancy life waiting for you here.
I can't be part of that.
May I charter you a private jet for your trip home?
No. Thanks, but I plan to swim back right after I grab lunch.
Okay, a handshake. Well, uh, a handshake's good, I guess.
Good-bye, Nathanial.
Good-bye, Trina.
Well, I'm off then.
Good-bye, everyone.
May your days be full of mirth and good fortune.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Look at you. Dirty, shabby, common-looking.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You have the honor of being the first Mayweather to smell a bit gamy.
I smell of the sea, and there's no smell more honest or admirable.
My God! You're delirious!
Nathanial, what are we going to do with you?
Where in the Savior's name are you going?
This is for you!
Come back here, boy! You're out of your mind.
Nathanial?
Trina! Trina.
Trina, you're still here.
Yeah, I was just about to head out.
My steak and eggs are pretty well digested.
Listen to me. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you at sea,
with the crew of The Filthy Whore, like one big, happy,
pungent, mildly dysfunctional family.
Are you sure this is what you want?
Yeah! I am sure.
I've permanently yanked the silver spoon from my mouth,
and I buried it 6,000 miles beneath the Earth's crust.
I mean, figuratively speaking, of course.
I mean, who could do such a thing? That would be insane.
Nathanial.
Your words melt like butter in my brain.
Come on, Trina.
We've got a boat to catch.
¶
Ooh-whee ¶
Ooh, ooh-whee-ee ¶
Ooh-whee-ee ¶
Ooh-ooh-ooh-whee ¶
Ooh-ooh-whee ¶
Ooh-whee ¶¶